grimoire of the leech

by Ghosts Of Mercury

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1.
06:24
2.
05:36
3.
03:05
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04:59
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02:32
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03:51
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06:10
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05:55
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06:48
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02:49
13.
05:18

about

This is the music that I made when I hit the bottom of the abyssal plain and just kept on digging.

This record is a memorial of an incarnation of my ego, a point in my life where nothing was good and everything hurt all at once.

I hope in listening to it you can find something of worth inside of it.

Remember that life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you.

credits

released August 25, 2016

Piano on track #6 by anonymous
Pretty much everything else by Aleister Terribilis

this album is dedicated to in no particular order, my partner, isa and the rest of the tripkids media collective, matt, G, JP, anonymous guitars, the queer community, the occult community, nyx the night mother, the talent farm, alex "skitch" crist, pat the bunny, nightcaller, eli, christian welch, shiva, the loving mother freya; may she ride her chariot of kittens into the sunset, la santa muerte, baphomet and his everlasting duality, aleister crowley; may the poet find what he did not find as the prophet, julien baker, jordaan mason, gouge away, GLOSS, filthy frank, lucifer and his light, hunter s. thompson, ganesha and his committment to karma, abraxas, hot pink knots, basebourne, mat cothran, enki and ishtar, and anybody or anything that's helped me not die from exhaustion in the past few years.

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Ghosts Of Mercury Florida

endless abyss of self indulgence

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Track Name: bones
When i wake up
I will feel absolutely nothing
Holding me together
Nothing to keep me from falling apart
When i talk to humans all their love will turn to dust

And when i end my day
At about 3:12AM
I will think about all of the things
I wish I fuckin had

I wish the world would let me be happy
I wish the bourgeois-fucking-se
Wouldn't constantly beat me
365 days in the hole
I wish that life had any meaning
That I didn't have to make up as i go along
A world where people didn't make each other miserable
A world where all the stupid, heartless humans don't exist
A world where there's not a disease inside my head
A world where I didn't wish that I was dead

But this day does not exist yet
So for now I dream
Of the day when Autumn and I
Are happy as we seem
In a world that we design
In a world where we're fine

In a world where isa has a bed to sleep on

Where I don't have to aspire
To being petty bourgeoisie
To living in a rented condo
To being okay with misery
To being okay with dysphoria
To being okay with all this shit
That was dumped into my head

And when the world has burned away
When structures are in decay
When We're not commodities
When we intertwine like trees
When I don't fuck up everything
When I always feel like dancing
When roads are skin and bone
When we're finally alone
I will smile
Track Name: progenitors
They don’t even know who i am
So i act like i’m no one at all
They say want whats best for my life
But they don’t know that’s the reason i cry myself to sleep every night

Antithesis of everything
Clean and acceptable
Or worth loving
Or worth supporting
At all

You hate every single thing that makes me happy
Every time i smile you make me feel crappy
I’m limping through life cold and alone
I wish i could still call you home

I was an atheist when i realized
Nobody in this world loved me at all
Track Name: mirror
people are just demons
who don't bare their horns
and i can't stand being around them
and it makes me feel torn

because
this world is a fucking mistake
yet how can it be so bright and pretty
is this a trick
am i the only one who's shitty

I guess that's up to you
what you want to do
but just remember that when you're indulged in life
only you can make your afterlife

when you gaze into the abyss
you're just looking in the mirror
when you gaze into your god
you're just thinking interior
when you cross every spherical zone
what you'll find is that you're just alone
when you write every hapless song
you'll never fix what was wrong
when you take shots in the dark
you might as well bite the bullet
Track Name: the deer and the rabbit
i awake in the triangle forest
amidst the fog, an eye of horus
a goat guides me into the depths
of the harrowing trunks

i greet a circle of creatures
all shimmery white
staring their dead red eyes
adjusting their sight

at the wreck before them
down the endless hole
approached by a deer
and a rabbit with souls

the deer looks at me
and says that i am
beautiful and try my
best in my lifespan

that my good heart
is all that i need
that my need to express
is what i must feed

the rabbit grabs my ears
tells me im a shit
a son of a bitch
emotional twit

my depression controls
all of my life he says
negativity's all i see
all i can process
all i can breathe

the circle of creatures
all stand quiet
as if to say
they agree with both
the deer and the rabbit

i resent them
they embody me
they represent the time
spent wondering
and waiting
and crying
laughing
Track Name: untitled
the job wont call me back
but that's okay
i can't wake up without
having something stupid to say
i can't articulate
derealization
without having existential panic
and i can't seem to experience
anything at full capacity
i'm out of new dynamics

when i go to bed
i will always
be dissatisfied
with existence
no matter how
hard i try
i will always be that asshole
who alienates everyone
until they die

i have no fucking idea
what it means to be good to me
self care is a stranger
a long distance fling i haven't seen
in years

and i can't even write music anymore
or perform the songs i wrote
the mediocre skills i've worked for
are just a fucking joke

i am not a functional being
everything feels the same
i rarely express myself
either way it's all shame

i will never be satisfied
the root of my misery is want
i want to die just to escape
normal conversation

just to escape mundanity
just to feel some clemency
i'm at the boiling point
hate every aspect of myself
and i can't make you see
what it means
to be me

it doesn't mean a fucking thing to me
Track Name: lumos
I shouldve said thank you
Now that youre in those high city lights
I shouldve been kinder
Now that you no longer fight
I shouldve not gone to work and stayed at your wake
I shouldve made my way to your final day
And supported you even when you seemed the worst
I shouldve hugged you harder
Now that you’re in those high city lights
And now when i call your line
You only pick up in my head
Smile at me again
Sing your seraphim songs
Illuminate us
Track Name: androgyne
dressed in masculinity
bathed in androgyny
i cant make all of you see
the person i was meant to be
my genitalia don't agree with me
the so called physical gifts i've been given
are a curse in disguise
broad shoulders, hairy legs, collarbones
and it's not a surprise
when they say "hey young man,
won't you carry this for me
since you're a boy
and you clearly have a penis
and that's the only way i see you"
the pain from my being invalidated
weaves into me and stays there
no god can save me
from transphobia
it makes it harder to love myself
when everyone reminds me
that i will never have a working clitoris
or soft skin, red hair, confidence for femme clothes
or even basic fundamental human rights
if all lives matter
why do you pretend i don't even exist
if you believe that you support all walks of people
why do you leave me without love to subsist
why do i have to prove that i deserve shit
why do i even fucking bother
Track Name: remember me
you don't remember me
that kid with the upset expression
the punching bag
the one with years of depression
i'm doing slightly better
than any of you gave me
i could've been better
if you had just given me a chance
i am lonely
i am bitter
i still alienate everybody i see
i am not as strong as i may appear to be
i cycle through the masks
until i find one that fits me
wear it until it breaks
break down, kneel on broken knees

im tired of waking up
never stopping the feelings,
of not knowing what to do
you don't remember me
but i remember you

Life’s a stale, old joke
I can’t wait to up and croak
Wasted too much time
Cuz im feeling “fine”

I feel like death is giving me a handjob
Death doesn’t call back, i feel like ive been robbed
Of everything that ever meant a thing
To me

Sympathy isn’t my thing to bear
Lost track of who what why and where
Find me in a ditch, I’ll be naked and high
Oh I really really really can’t wait to die

It’s all my fuckin fault, i guess that’s in the past
Opportunities have gone away so fast
And with no purpose left, and no earthly ties
I’d like to say, fuck you and goodbye
Track Name: black hole
I wish that i could trip forever
Escaping the future that seems so bleak
Vibrant colors and answers clear
LSD for clarity
Whiskey to numb the
Belly of the beast
So he doesn’t gag
On the strychnine crease
Of my clothes

Every fuckup i make
Is a scarlet letter
Driving me to make
Myself much better
But i fall flat
Of beautiful
Or good enough
Or satisfactory

I’m the best of the worst
I don’t know what came first
Depression or suicide
Nothing left to find
Take this job and stick it
I quit real life

I want to be dragged
Into the black hole
The illusory image
That’s me from part to the whole
Chemically fucked
Surrounded by death
The way that i cant
Catch my breath
The way my lips
Interlock with pain
The slow acting poison
Within my veins
The photos i take
Aren’t worth a single poem
I’m an endless black hole
I just want to go home
Track Name: sleep
i still stay up
until 5 in the morning
waiting for a relief
that will never come
i still sleep in
seeking respite
in nightmares every night
not knowing if im

awake
or asleep anymore


i still smoke menthols
hoping they'll kill me
burning my insides
like im tryng to die
i still write journals
for the world ill make see
all of the bullshit
that it's done to me

the scars, the burns,
and the painful regrets

the world makes turns,
while im stuck in this bed